Meditation

[revised 1/4/11]
I have a very painful muscle spasm problem in my back. It started years ago, and multiple trips to the doctor have done nothing for me. As a result, every few months I get to spend a week or two laid out with searing pain moving around my back. It isn't localized and moves from a blade beneath my shoulders to a concrete tightness in my lower back. The pain and the tightness don't really restrict my movement in any particular way, but the pain keeps my ambition limited. It comes in waves of severity, but there is always a pleasant beach of hurt, occasionally washed over by frothing arcs of debilitating pain.

The doctors have told me it is an inflamed muscle condition, and they give me narcotic pain killers, muscle relaxers, and anti-inflammatory pills to help, along with some wonderfully dull literature on proper stretches to help my back. None of these things work because I genuinely hate taking pills, and I can't do the stretches until my back is better. Even then, they haven't stopped this flaring up every few months. Pain killers make me feel zonked, and I develop a physical dependency after the first pill, so after about three hours they start to wear off, and I am overcome by cold sweats, chills, and a rather nasty disposition.

And then there's the stress. I work in a high-stress environment, I have a relatively high-stress home life, and I think it all gets stored up in my back. The crippling waves don't seem to have a trigger, though, and come with an irregular regularity. The tightness is there all the time, like a shitty friend I don't want around anymore, only there to remind me of how much worse it can get.

But I will say that, through it all, I find relief in being able to feel the knife in my back. It's the cold comfort you can only take from your best friend and worst enemy.