So I have this friend, and he has these friends, and they all went to wal-mart®. The story should end here with the whole world blowing up, but as we all know, God is not that kind.
So wobbly, baby-mamma, and a friend of theirs got bored and went stumbling around a wal-mart® super center somewhere near the armpit of america they call home. Whilst on this journey of disgusting, over-indulgent consumerism, they were struck by an uncontrollable altruism and decided to help some kids on this particular wal-mart®'s "angel tree". All I can think is how wonderful it is to live in a country where the world's largest retail corporation, who repeatedly screws employees in the worst ways every single day, whose employees undoubtedly have welfare children on that very tree, can make people (read: profit capital) feel generous by giving them the opportunity to spend more money in their store. How fucking wonderful. How generous of wal-mart® to not give a shit about these destitute children. Here's an idea: why don't Alice and Jim Walton (the owners of wal-mart®, you dolt), whose combined worth exceeds $31 BILLION buy a few bikes for these poor tykes getting so fucked this holiday season. I'm sure they can afford it. And here's the real kicker: DON'T claim it on their tax returns. When you are worth $15 billion as a private citizen, I don't think anything you do should be tax deductible. Not a damn thing.
That would be a truly earth shattering thing for wal-mart® to do. Actually show that they care about the communities they claim to be supporting in their national ad campaigns. They don't give a damn about these kids. The only thing they care about is increasing their profit margin, and what better way to maximize the holiday season bottom line than by infusing it with a little yuletide generosity. Fuck you very much, senor Walton.
So here's my idea. Let's call it the "avenging angel tree". Go to your nearest wal-mart®. Go to the "angel tree" inside said wal-mart® and pull every single child off. Then walk out. Take these childrens' one and only holiday wishes to different stores. Ask friends and family to help you out. Purchase presents for these poor kids at businesses OTHER THAN FRIGGIN wal-mart®. Then take all these gifts back and watch the "customer service/care agent/representative" squirm for his or her life. The children will still get their presents, you will still get to feel good, and angry fuckers like me will wear smiles as we watch wal-mart's® devious scam fall through.
Who wants to help me?
Goon Wisdom #9
15 years ago
Posts
3 comments:
And if you're meek of heart or old and don't want to start a revolution but just want to be nice, just go to the YMCA, cause you will probably actually get to meet those kids and watch them piss their pants when you give them stuff you bought somewhere other than Walmart.
I'd like to suggest a second plan, though, when it comes time for Alan Moore-London style anarchy and consumer insanity... let's all just run into Walmart, rip everything off the shelf, stuff it in a conversion van and unload it all at St. Vincent de Paul or some other similar benign organization operating on centuries-old religious guilt and very little in the way of capital. Proceed to watch impoverished patrons expecting secondhand Walmart shit from the 80's to purchase at cheap prices for their kids, crap their pants upon seeing that they may have brand-new Walmart shit. Repeat.
Such anger, such hatred, have you ever worked in a Wal-Mart?
I agree 100%, Alice and Jim should buy a few bikes, and while they're at it, maybe pay their employees a living wage. Won't happen though...the rich get richer and the rest of us get fucked.
Anna
Oh, it will happen. Every few decades americans flip their values system on it's ear, and we have about a decade left. I can't wait to see what's next. All I can hope is that we finally get our integrity back. Reagan had it, but then he got fucking alzheimers and forgot where he set it down.
American corporate structure simply must be tought a lesson. They enjoy the priveledges of the 14th amendment (that's right, a corporation is legally considered a human being) but they rarely have to suffer the consequences when they do wrong. It's just getting to be too much for me to handle.
I know if some psychopath was putting pesticides in my child's milk, I'd tear the motherfucker into pieces too small for worms to chew, but Montsanto does it on a national scale and no one says a damn thing. Such anger? Such an understatement.
Post a Comment